Hurdle Ep 8 - Will my child look like me if I use a donor egg?

Will my child look like me if I use a donor egg?

[00:00:00] 

This is a question so many of us have: "Will my child look like me if I use a donor egg?"

At 45, it’s not about being vain; it is a genuine concern we carry as we consider even opening a donor database for the first time.

We aren't just looking for a "match"—we are trying to prevent a future where our child might one day feel even a little bit out of place in their own family.

There is a visceral fear that a lack of resemblance will make our child feel like a guest in their own home.

We worry that they will look in the mirror and feel bad about themselves in some way, which is such a heartbreaking thought.

That heartbreak is exactly what fuels the pressure of making the right donor choice.

It’s the fear that we might fail our child in the selection process before they even exist.

It's a heavy anxiety that we’ll think we are choosing right, only to realize much later that what we chose was at odds with nature.

It’s why we stress over accidentally choosing unknown traits somehow, like welcoming a [00:01:00] child with ringlet hair when you know nothing about curly hair!

It seems so silly when you say it out loud, because we all know we can learn—and learn we would, as mama bears love and learn no matter what.

But these concerns are so real to us in this moment.

Maybe that’s because it’s not about hair at all; it’s about the weight of being the gatekeeper for someone else's identity.

It’s about the child you love so fiercely you would do almost anything to make them know it.

It’s that deep-seated worry that we might be unable to care for the very traits that make them who they are.

And then, I know for me, in my quietest hours, I found myself wondering if this is "playing God."

It’s a heavy thought, I know, but it comes from such a soft place.

It's the place where I asked myself if it’s truly okay to be "picking and choosing" a human being’s features.

I wondered if by making those decisions, I’m taking away their right to be a complete original.

These aren't just thoughts; they are the tender, aching questions of a [00:02:00] parent who is already so protective of their child.

They are the questions of someone terrified of "getting it wrong" before the journey has even begun.

Welcome to Donor Egg Diary. I’m a Mom on a mission to give you the insider track.

I’ve walked this path myself, and I’m here to help you navigate the hurdles so you can decide if this path is right for your family.

Let’s get to it.

Let’s unpack that first fear: the fear that our child might one day feel even minutely out of place.

As mama bears, our deepest instinct is to protect our child from the feeling of not belonging.

In this deciding phase, you might think that finding a donor who looks like you is the only way to ensure they feel "at home."

And that is totally your choice and many do, but also consider belonging is a feeling that is built in the heart, not just in the mirror.

If you treat your child’s unique features with total delight, they will never feel "out of place."

And, being serious, it’s not like we don’t know [00:03:00] that!

We know we will love our child to the ends of the earth and back for exactly who they are.

Plus, the world has changed, and mixed and blended families are the norm now.

For most people, there truly isn't that much of a visible difference anymore.

Our families are built on love, and the world is finally starting to catch up to that.

Then there is that pressure of making the donor choice itself.

We worry that what you chose now might end up being at odds with what is eventually revealed in the mysterious way nature unfolds.

It’s a heavy realization that you are making a permanent decision based on such a small snapshot of a profile.

You are making this choice while knowing that biology still has its own way of surprising us.

It’s an impossible task to "get right" because you're trying to plan for a person you haven't met yet.

But maybe the goal isn't to make a perfect choice—it’s just to make an intentional one.

Once that child is actually here, in your everyday life, the [00:04:00] database and the profiles usually start to fade into the background.

The focus shifts from the choice you made to the actual human being in front of you.

You aren't just choosing a set of traits; you're starting a story.

As mama bears, you'll be there to help them be proud of themselves for who they are and who they decide to become.

If you finally get to that login and open a database for the first time, you might find yourself wondering if there is a "right" way to start.

It’s helpful to realize that there are several ways to approach those initial filters to get your first list of potentials so you can really dive deep into their profile.

One perspective is to start with General Resemblance.

This approach focuses on looking at each donor's pictures briefly and seeing if you like what you see.

You aren't matching specific details here; you’re just looking at the overall characteristics and the energy of her photos.

And I’m just going to be honest about it—I wanted a donor I thought was our "idea of pretty."

And, yes, I know this makes me sound [00:05:00] so shallow.

But when I really sat with it, I realized it was okay to want a donor that I felt was pretty - and for me that meant she had soft features and looked more "feminine" as I, too, share those features.

I might be unable to have my own genes in this mix, but I can sure have the whole package if that package fits perfectly in our family. 

And let’s be real for a second—how do you even say out loud that you want your child to be handsome or pretty?

It feels taboo, but isn’t that what every parent wants for their child?

I wanted them to look at our family photos and see a familiar reflection.

I didn't want them to feel like an outsider because of a feature that felt totally "different," like having a very square jaw or a prominent nose.

Regardless of all that, here is an insider tip. If you are doing this with a partner, I highly recommend a strategy we used: the "blind search."

We didn't want to influence each other, so we actually did the resemblance search separately.

It was eye-opening to see [00:06:00] who we each gravitated toward without the other's input.

When we finally compared our lists, he actually vetoed me on a lot of profiles at first!

It forced us to sit down and really figure out together what "resemblance" meant to us.

Only after we aligned on the look did we move to deep dive into her genetics and health and all the rest.

We went into that database expecting to find "The One."

We wanted that perfect package where the health, the look, and the vibe all lined up for our future child. No exceptions. 

And, for us, it actually happened.

Another search perspective is to go straight to the Genetic and Health filters.

The logic here is that you see a much wider variety of healthy profiles first, then eliminate as you deep dive into all the rest.

These are profiles you might otherwise miss if you filtered by overall basic photos first, but you may be left with a donor you don't connect with at all in the end who "is perfect" on paper.

This path is about ALWAYS prioritizing the [00:07:00] sturdiest possible biological foundation for your child in your final decision.

I’ll be honest, though—I found this search path overwhelming.

Trying to narrow down a massive list based on complex genetic data was hard to wrap my head around because we made the mistake of not having my husband's genetic testing done before we started looking at donor profiles.

That mistake made the data even harder to use because if we fell in love with a donor's profile, genetically they could still be a mismatch and we would have to let her go.

Looking back, I can absolutely see the value in ensuring the sperm provider and the donor aren't carriers of the same diseases from the very start to get your first list of potentials. It's a great way to filter the list down quickly.

There is no "right" way to do this because truly you are looking for the whole package by the end - a genetically healthy donor with a great medical background and all the other stuff that makes her the best choice for your child.

Quick check—this [00:08:00] is the insider track.

I share what I’ve learned along the way, but the choice is yours.

Do your research and decide boldly. Let's keep going.

Okay. So with that out of the way, let's visit some fears I had about this process. As I was looking through the databases, I found myself wondering about the "human" side of this process.

I thought: What if the clinic mixes up the eggs?

What if her photo isn't actually her?

I wanted to understand the "how" behind the process, so I looked into the protocols that keep this journey secure.

I used to wonder about a "mix-up," but I learned that modern fertility clinics operate under a "triple-check" security system.

Every single vial is labeled with a unique, multi-factor identifier that includes the donor's code.

Most labs today even use electronic witnessing systems to track every sample.

Radio-frequency ID tags sound an alarm if an egg and a sperm sample that aren't a matched pair even come near each other.

It’s a level [00:09:00] of digital and physical "lock and key" that makes a manual mix-up statistically near impossible.

Then there was that thought about "Database Catfishing."

I wondered if the photos might be ten years old or if the family information was just a "best-case scenario."

What I found gave me a lot of peace: Reputable egg banks don't just take a donor's word for it.

Most agencies require the donor to come into the office for a physical screening where they are photographed in person. The fact that I had to say "most" makes me wonder what egg bank wouldn't check the validity of stuff as critical as her photos and her self-reported health! So, beware. Do your research on that egg bank for real and INSIST on an egg bank that verifies by third party what a donor self reports because nowadays people apply to be a donor online.

So with that cautionary tale, let's get back to the reputable egg banks. When a donor lists her family traits, agency genetic counselors often cross-reference this with a required [00:10:00] medical history.

Many agencies also perform Genetic Testing—like a 300 plus carrier screen.

This acts as a biological "lie detector" for the donor’s lineage.

If the genetics don't match the reported family history, the donor is disqualified. A very small percentage of donors actually make it through a vetted process like this, and that fact just makes me so grateful to the amazing donors that do make it through.

And I am not saying all donors could be liars. I am just saying that there may be scammers in anything where money is concerned, and I'm sure we all agree, there is big money being exchanged here. So like any other area, do your due diligence.

Moving on, even with all the verified data, I had to remind myself genetic expression is wild. We all know a biological child of two straight-haired parents can end up with their grandfather’s waves.

A child will always be a unique shuffle of an entire family tree.

You aren't [00:11:00] just choosing a face; you are choosing a seat at a much larger family table.

Lastly, once you click "submit" and "The One" is officially chosen, a new phase begins: the waiting room of the mind.

This can be the anxious period between making the choice and actually starting your cycle.

It’s the time when those "What if?" thoughts can start to creep back in.

Did I pick the right one? Should I have looked at just one more profile? In our experience we were very fortunate. We chose the right one, and we never doubted it after. However, we tried to choose other ones before her, and they didn't work out. So, yes, it could have happened where we chose someone and later regretted it after we really settled on her. 

If you really are feeling sad about your final choice, most egg banks will let you change her IF the eggs have not been shipped already. But note that you only get to choose a new donor, not get a refund. 

I don't know what I could say to help your final choice be right, but I [00:12:00] know I felt devestated when we lost one donor due to me not being listed as medically cleared. I cried and cried, but I finally accepted that there was a better one coming or, maybe, she would come back to us somehow. I know any advice is a small consolation when you are in the heavy emotions of feeling like you failed your child.

Just a quick interruption. Visit DonorEggDiary.com if you want to see the contents of the Vault. It does include my donor selection kit and so much more. Back to it.

On a happier note, here is a Pro-Tip: when you officially reserve a donor, many databases will "lock" your view.

You often won’t see any other new donors until you either commit to her or let her go.

So, be very picky about who you hit that reserve button for.

You don't want to be stuck in a "maybe" while "The One" slips by because you couldn't see her profile.

So, all in all, we all have doubts. But try to remember that your "gut" was a part of your selection process for a reason.

[00:13:00] You did the work. You checked the health, you vetted the look, and you made an intentional, loving choice for your future child.

Trust that the intentionality you put into the search is the same intentionality that is going to make you an incredible parent.