How Our Angel Dog Saved Our Marriage During Our Darkest IVF Fight (Stage 2 Diary Series)

IVF marriage strain donor egg?

I did something I'm not proud of. In the last episode, I left you on a cliffhanger about a moment of pretty much total dishonor. Today, I'm putting my pride in my pocket. I didn't just get mad, I turned all my heartbreak into a weapon and used it against the person I love most. We're gonna talk about the phone call that followed, a call where the doctor said one specific thing, and how he said it that changed the trajectory of our lives forever.

Okay, so I lost it. I raged. I turned all my pain onto my husband. I blamed him for not believing me, for the money, for the pressure. In fact, I got mean, sarcastic. I snapped, "I'm totally fine with just having dogs. Why can't you be?" And then I said the thing you just can't take back. I attacked his fertility.

"How do we even know it really isn't you?" [00:01:00] It was ugly, desperate, and horrible. I stormed out, and he slammed the door and left

If you have animals, you know they see us. Our senior golden retriever, our absolute angel dog, was actually the one who broke the ice. He did something so incredibly cute right in front of both of us. We just looked at him, and we just naturally started talking again after probably it felt like days because he was just so beautiful.

That dog literally has saved our marriage more than a few times. The ice finally melted. I forced myself to say the words that come so hard to me, "I'm sorry." Then came that terrifying question, "What are we going to do?" in between sobs

Well, my husband wanted answers. Maybe the doctors know [00:02:00] what happened. Inside, I was terrified. I didn't want more bad news. But making this appointment was my way of making amends for the fight. The trauma patient in me took days to dial that fertility clinic number. I was literally shaking when I finally booked it.

I was actually happy that they couldn't get me in right away. That's not ideal, but I was. Anyways, when the day finally came, we sat in our house on the couch as quiet as can be, feeling like we were standing literally on the edge of a cliff. The phone rang, and we put the doctor on speakerphone We briefly discussed our eggs that we had just lost, and then it was super quick.

It was just there, those words, "You should seriously consider donor eggs." After that, [00:03:00] everything for me went into a blur. It was like my brain went into instant shock. He went on talking about the odds and the success rates, how much better our chances would be at my age using a donor. But did I really wanna hear that?

I mean, it was a shock because I didn't even know about donor eggs. For me, it was like, you're telling me that even if I use my eggs now, even if we try using my eggs, that they will never work?" That's, that's kind of the catastrophic thinking I was having. It was really, really scary, and I checked out for most of it.

But it's ironic because for some reason, at the very end of the conversation, I tuned in again and I, I heard the one final sentence from the doctor clearly, and it [00:04:00] wasn't what he said, it was how he said it

That one sentence changed everything. And it is the reason I'm sitting here today, 12 weeks pregnant, dealing with a whole different kind of anxiety. So for instance, as I record this, I'm officially 12 weeks. The first trimester is not going quietly, people. All-day sickness, bone-crushing exhaustion, and weird bursts of energy that you have to use when you have them because boy, oh boy, your house looks like a complete if you don't.

Anyways, Mama Bear advice, I want to share something with you for those who are right behind me. The NIP test, or it's called the, I think it's called NIPT test, and it's non-invasive prenatal test. That's what it stands for. And basically, it's just taking your blood to [00:05:00] test for some things, chromosomal things, to give you a heads up if there is any issue so that you could get further tests and make more decisions or not make decisions at all.

It's fine. So I have mine booked for week 14 because of all the local wait lists. I have been secretly worrying because I think 14 weeks is too late. But apparently, my midwife and my OB, I have two. It's odd. I'll fill you in with that later. It's not. But the anxiety is what if I get some really bad news and I'm 14 weeks?

I mean, oy, oy. Anyways, I'm just, I can't do anything about it. The wait list's so long. So if I could give you guys any advice, if you decide to go through this path and you successfully get pregnant, the second you graduate from your fertility clinic, do not wait. If you decide to do your [00:06:00] NIPT, get the requisitions immediately and book the appointment because there is a wait list.

At least there was here. Anyways, thank you for standing on that cliff with me. And next episode, we'll get to what and how our doctor said it that literally changed everything for us.